The Evolution of Anxiety
I've had anxiety my entire life, but was only diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) a year and a half ago. I was also diagnosed as autistic then too, but we'll stick to just GAD for now. My symptoms have evolved drastically over time, and it's been a journey.
Childhood Anxiety
When I was a child, perhaps starting around 6ish (can't quite remember the age), I used to experience what I can only describe as an audible hallucination. The come-up would be an incredibly frustrating visualization of a hand attempting to place blocks shaped as a circle, rectangle, triangle, etc. into the incorrect slots. After a few attempts, I would then see in my 'mind's eye' the image of a red-faced woman (I did not know this woman in real life) screaming at me and hearing her screams in my head. It was a jarring experience and happened frequently during my childhood. Eventually, I told my mom. She had experienced this same thing once (genetics r weird af like wut) when she was very ill as a child. Naturally, it scared her, and she told her older sister. My aunt told my little mom to imagine placing the woman in a box and burying her deep down to the Earth's core and covering it with whatever you could think. This is actually hilarious, like ultimate suppression. But what do you know, it worked for her, and it worked for me after some time too.
Teenage Anxiety
The next round of symptoms was when I was a senior in high school. My body and especially my hands would shake uncontrollably. I was constantly ruminating, felt paranoid, and was struggling to eat (most likely aversions). It was impacting my ability to live. I'm sure there were other physical symptoms; I just don't recall. My friend (now a nurse) forced me to the nurse's office when I didn't want lunch (I always wanted lunch lol). The nurse let me know that I was experiencing anxiety and needed to find ways to calm myself. I wasn't really sure what ways those would be. She asked me to focus on things I enjoyed and just do more of that. So I did. It passed (kinda).
Young Adult Anxiety
In reality, ever since then, the physical impacts anxiety has on my body continue to persist and morph. Every finals season in undergrad and grad school, I'd have some random bizarre episode (on top of always getting a cold). Some I remember include my tongue going white for a few days, full-body welts, and migraines (which I thankfully don't ever normally have).
My Recent Physical Symptoms
Prior to anxiety medication (started less than a year ago), I had a lovely collection of anxious responses that would pop up either daily or sporadically:
- excessive yawning (not great for my TMJ)
- aching eardrums (I think this coincides with overstimulation)
- chewing my inner cheeks (in elementary school, I would chew my tongue and get yelled at for having gum, which was not allowed in school. I think I developed this after my 2nd grade teacher - who I loved - brought me into the hall one day to ask about my thumb sucking lol)
- rocking or shaking head (realizing some of these are stims)
- bloating (boooooo)
- sharp stomach pains that can only be rectified by lying down
- eye twitches
- brain zaps (yes, pre-medication. If I get off this medication, I am worried about how the zaps will be as I am obviously prone)
- a fuzzy static sound in my left ear/side of head
- back aches
- chest tightness
- shortness of breath
- shaking
- jaw clenching, esp. at night. Luckily, I don't grind
- itchy, red face welttttsss
- weird rash near my neck/under my ears
Anxiety is so cool. It's like love, endlessly plentiful.
The World of Medication
Medication has helped..I think. It's hard to say. The same month I started medication was the same month I was laid off from my job, which made all of the above fester around me 24/7. I do think it has helped me, though. The best thing I've noticed is that I can overcome potential spirals much faster. I've recovered from my autistic burnout (took about 4-5 months to really start feeling healed). I am so grateful I am more level these days.
The last couple of weeks have been a reminder of how debilitating GAD can be. I had a few interviews, and I really struggle with managing my anxiety for these events, especially as I suffer from perfectionism. It's very challenging for me to not go ALL IN on stuff like this. I notoriously spend HOURS preparing for interviews. For the job offer I received last year (still have this offer; lengthy onboarding is an understatement), I spent 30-40 hours preparing. Thank god I was and still am unemployed because me trying to find work while working is a nightmare no one wants to witness, especially M. I do feel proud of my performance today at an in-person interview I had for a job I'd really like (only spent 15-20 hrs for this one - improvement? I think yes).
Final Thoughts
I wanted to write this to remind myself that medication has not cured my anxiety. I know this is something I will live with forever. I still get face welts multiple times a day, I yawn, I shake, I chew, I do many of the things. But I am making progress, and that's all I can ask for.
When I start work again, it will be interesting to see how I will navigate my GAD. I have more tools in my belt this time around. I think I will be okay.
